Top10

Okay, having had another baby, I have of course violated my own rule number one: don't read anything about raising babies. And, of course, everything I read makes me feel horrible about my parenting skills. I have to learn to take my own advice instead of listening to other people's advice. But, there are some pieces of advice that make me feel decidedly worse than others.

1. Respond to your baby's needs immediately. Don't let the baby get to the point of crying or screaming.

Sure. No problem. Now, every time I come out of the bathroom or the shower and he is screaming, I get to feel like I have neglected him. Every time I am driving the car and he starts to cry, so do I. Every time someone else is holding him and he has a need, I get to feel like I am a bad mom if I don't rip him out of their arms and tend to him immediately. Fabulous.

2. Wear your baby everywhere.

Does no one else drive a car? True, the baby calms down in the sling...after a few minutes. But, then I have to take him out and make him all mad while I put him in the car seat. Then, just when he gets to sleep, I yank him out and shove him back in the sling. This is not a recipe for a calm kid. This might work great if I could walk or take public transportation everywhere.

3. Offer your baby the breast any time he wants to eat or wants to suck.

Now, I like hemorrhoids and a sore butt as much as the next person and sitting on the couch feeding the baby all day long is a great way to get those. But, the bruised and cracked nipples are less cool. You see, the people who dispense this advice have clearly never actually tried to use their breasts as a pacifier. Babies do not latch on and suck nicely when they are trying to pacify. They pull and fight and pop on and off. Not really conducive to healthy nipples.

4. Get enough sleep.

Hello? Who are these people? Clearly they have never had a newborn.

5. Get out with your friends and do things for you without the baby.

Okay then, let's review. Somehow, I am supposed to offer my breasts as the non-stop pacifier and go out with my friends without the baby. Do I leave my breasts behind? Supposedly, I am not to offer a bottle or pacifier for the first 4-6 weeks. But, this is the time postpartum depression sets in and you really need time with friends. Frankly, I love my hippie friends at this time. I can sit on their couch and breastfeed. It provides new scenery.

6. If you are in public, just throw a baby blanket over your breast and baby when you breastfeed your baby.

Have you ever tried to get the hang of latching your baby on with a blanket in the way? Plus, my kid can't figure the blanket out and pops on and off with the blanket there. Just great. However, I want to feed my kid. And, I want to give him the benefits of breastfeeding. And, I don't really want the woman in the next booth at the restaurant staring at me.

7. Stay in bed with your baby for the first two weeks.

While I love the idea of this, in practice it doesn't work for me. The minute someone tells me to stay in bed, I just have to get up and do things. I realize that my recovery suffers for this. I have seen this very well with both my kids, but I just can't do the bed thing.

8. Gently calm your baby to sleep after one to two hours of wakefulness.

This did not work with either of my children and I feel like an ogre when I finally break down and let them cry it out. With my daughter, I waited for way too long. We were all insane with lack of sleep and craziness from all the screaming (mine and hers). With my son, I have figured it out sooner. After not getting him to sleep at all for two days, I finally put him in the basinette and let him cry. He is taking his first nap in days right now and I am ecstatic. Yes, I bawled the whole time he cried, but to see him sleep is worth it.

The whole rocking, swinging, walking, going crazy while he cries and screams because he is so tired thing is just horrible for everyone and makes my kids worse. Some people can gently rock their kids to sleep. My kids have to calm themselves or they never sleep. I just had to learn from them.

9. Have friends bring you food and do your house chores.

"Yeah, come on over. No, you can't hold the baby, but I need someone to do my laundry and whip us up a stir-fry for dinner." These people have some great friends. I love my friends. What I really want is for them to sit and talk to me about the outside world while I sit on the couch and breast feed.

10. Sleep when the baby sleeps.

Ha! First of all, the baby doesn't sleep that much. Second, that time is taken up with me eating and going to the bathroom. Maybe taking a shower. Maybe just throwing in a load of laundry.

Everybody has advice on raising your baby. As a new parent, it is so tempting to look for the right answer, but in reality, each baby is so different. Each parent-child relationship is so different. The only thing that actually works is learning about how you and your baby can work together.

I have got to stop reading advice.

Top 10 stupid reasons I have seen for people coming to the ER via ambulance.

10. A second opinion on a broken leg.

9. I’m in labor. Her last period was a week ago and she didn’t have any reason for thinking she was in labor except that she felt like she had to push (poop will do that). This might not be so bad, but this same gal came in with this about once a month.

8. I’ve had a cough for about three weeks. Does no one have a regular physician anymore?

7. I lifted weights for the first time in a year yesterday and now my arms and chest hurt.

6. I have a rash and I was out of Benadryl. Rather than go to the pharmacy or the grocery store to get Benadryl (after being told to get some by his doctor), he called the ambulance to take him to the ER.

5. Checked out before being seen because he just wanted a ride closer to his friend’s house. (I’ve always wondered if this guy tried to get arrested so the police would take him to jail, which is closer to his house, when he was done visiting his friend.)

4. Drunk teenagers. A surprising number of teenagers end up in the ER because they have had too much to drink and have done something stupid and their friends have felt compelled to call 9-1-1. I can’t imagine a worse conversation with mom and dad. Because we HAVE to call.

3. I need a refill on my medication. Despite trying to explain the differences between a pharmacy and an Emergency Room, some people just don’t get it. I had a woman screaming at me that we were required by law to give her whatever she needed. Cool…I need $30K. I’ll head to my local ER.

2. I have a fever (or my kid has a fever) that I haven’t taken anything for. One of the first questions we are going to ask is if you’ve taken some Tylenol or given your kid some Tylenol. Try Tylenol. Don’t get me wrong, if there’s other stuff going on with the fever or if the fever doesn’t get better with the Tylenol, fine. But, try the Tylenol.

1. A blood blister. This one takes the cake. The guy had a tiny blood blister on his finger. It wasn’t painful. He just didn’t want to leave it alone and didn’t want to pop it himself. When I asked him why he came to the Emergency Room for this, he told me that he would have to pay if he went to his regular doctor, but he doesn’t have to pay if he goes to the Emergency Room. And we wonder what’s wrong with our health care system?

Top 10 reasons daycare is the best thing ever:

10. Work, glorious work. Hey, these daycare people are great at what they do. I'm good at what I do for a profession. Working together, we all get to do what we're good at.

9. I get to feel like Donna Reed. When my toddler is at daycare, I can clean, get the laundry done, and have dinner waiting for my husband when he gets home. When she's not at daycare, it looks like a hurricane has hit the house and we order pizza and sleep in sleeping bags on the mattresses.

8. Pigtails. They put my daughter's hair up in pigtails. I have no idea how they do that. I can't get her to sit still so I can wipe her face.

7. Picture day. They have picture day. I can get cute pictures of my kid out of the deal and I don't have to be the one trying to get her to smile while she screams because she can't hold her holey blanket and her water bottle.

6. She loves it. I think we bore our daughter. She loves daycare. She is so incredibly happy to play with the other kids there and she loves their tables and chairs that are just her size and their schedule. She loves going to daycare.

5. I'm the coolest thing ever when I pick her up. She's so happy to see me. You know that moment when you come home and the dog gets so excited, he pees on the floor. If my daughter weren't wearing a diaper...

4. Naps. 'nuff said.

3. Buying things at the grocery store without the tantrums, the chasing her, etc.

2. Being able to plan for things other than naps and feedings - like lunch dates with friends.

1. She sleeps sooooo well after a day at daycare. My husband and I are in for a good night.

Of course, the downside is that we are having to build up her immunity to absolutely everything right now. We're all tired of being sick. Be warned if you are thinking of putting your kid in daycare. The first three months consist of nothing but illnesses.