Divorce Advice

Of all the areas of relationships and parenting, I think divorce is the one area where advice is truly helpful. With children, they are all so different that a lot of advice is unhelpful. The same thing is true of relationships. But, there is something similar in divorce and the advice is standard, but you really need to hear it often. I regularly see the truth of it.

The first piece of advice needs to come often and be listened to carefully and it is always some variant of, "don't let it affect the kids too much." This is so important.

When you're angry at that other person or depressed or scared, you want to do things that would maybe feel good for you, but would really affect the kids. A sudden move, talking bad about the other person, etc. etc. There are as many variants as moments in the day. But the reality is that your kids didn't ask for this and they are having a hard enough time understanding what happened.

Shaking up their routine a lot, talking bad about the other person, changing their living environment, suddenly being too nice or too mean, changing discipline techniques, changing how often they spend time with other kids or family, etc. are all harmful. The most important thing is to do everything possible to keep their world from imploding along with yours.

The second piece of advice that is helpful is not to let yourself or your lawyer stir the pot. We all get upset at times. We all say stupid things. But, when going into actual negotiations, remember not to take hard stances or stir the pot. The goal is to work out something that is truly best for the kids and allows the person or people who want to get out out.

This one is hard. Luckily, I have a good lawyer. I am a bargainer. I know how to bargain. In getting ready for the mediation, I told my lawyer, "I know how to bargain. Let's come up with the maximum and start with that." She put the kabosh on that immediately. She said, "this is not bargaining. This is a discussion. Let's go in with an open mind and hear what they have to say." This was NOT what I wanted and I had to think about it for a couple of weeks before I really saw the logic in this stance.

Unluckily, my ex's lawyer seems to be a bargainer like me. And, I really see the reasons for keeping an open mind and hearing the other person out. At mediation, when my ex's "opening gambit" came out, it terrified me. I started to cry and I felt threatened. What had been a discussion immediately became a terrifying exercise in trying to protect myself and my kids from the worst, most scary thing I had ever heard. All of a sudden, we went from a lot of negative emotions and a few good ones left behind, to a ton of negative emotions and a huge wall built between us.

On top of the new wall you can build with taking a hard stance, you risk believing your own bluster. In a bargaining situation, you start with something somewhat unreasonable. For example, I might offer $2 for a sweater. This is clearly absurd and the seller will tell me so. But, we both know we are bargaining and so the seller will ask for something unreasonable and we will meet in the middle. If you're not a great bargainer, though, you risk starting to believe that $2 is a good price for a sweater. And, it's not. In this way, you start to look at your "opening gambit" as what you deserve. You forget that the first thing you need to do is not shake up your kids and make sure the person or people who want out can get out.

Believeing in your own bluster keeps it going on longer and longer. The person or people who want out can't get out and the increased negative emotions hurt you and the kids in a big way.

I like takling to people who feel they have really moved beyond their divorces. They are never the people who battled it out in court. The people I talk to who battled it out in court have continued battling in one way or another, usually in court, for years. I have met people who have been in and out of court for 20 years. I have met people who still have angry thoughts about their spouses 10 years later.

Then, there are the people who worked it out and have good advice. These people often have created situations where the distribution of property was really unequal so that one person could take care of the kids. These are people who worked out something that works for the kids, not against them. These are people who kept the kids in mind and sacrificed themselves to accomplish the two goals. They protected the kids from the divorce and they let themselves or the other person out of the marriage.

I find it interesting to talk to people who are divorced because they really can demonstrate the things that work and the things that fail. Their advice has really helped. Unlike advice when you first have a baby, divorce advice really helps you look at your kids and listen to their needs. It really helps you notice when the fears develop and when they are feeling strong. It really helps you see areas you need to sacrifice yourself and areas where you need to focus on their needs. And, sadly, it helps you remember to center yourself during the fight that you can't avoid, so that you don't take that fight to your kids.