10 Lousy parent moves you can emulate at home
1. Lose your kid at the store.
I thought it was safe to take both kids to Target with me. After all, I had the nanny with me. But, Isis' favorite thing right now is running. She runs and runs. So, she ran, and ran, and we didn't know where she went, and we finally heard the announcement that there was a little girl running around without her parents. Classic wonderful parent move.
2. Build an addiction to bad TV.
Isis loves Winnie the Pooh. Jeff and I hate it. There is a breaking point for anyone and 300 viewings of the Winnie the Pooh movie is mine. I can't get the songs out of my head. Isis won't stop singing them. Argh. So, anytime we can get away with it, we convince her to watch something else. Anything else. Spongebob Squarepants, Dora the Explorer, CSI. Whatever.
3. Overwarm the baby.
Despite the strenuous objections of the American Academy of Pediatrics, we overwarm our baby. Orion just can't sleep unless he is really toasty. I think he gets it from his mom. So, we wrap him in every blanket in the house for a nap and he sleeps like...well...you know.
4. Encourage poor hygiene.
Isis loves to wash her hands. Over and over and over. She loves soap. She loves water. It can be really trying. So, Jeff and I will dodge washing hands when we can. We did have to establish some ground rules when Jeff realized he was feeding her and her hands were literally black with gunk.
5. Hamper potty training.
Isis is ready to potty train. Jeff and I are not. She is happy to tell us that she needs to pee or poopy in the potty. Jeff and I are happy to tell her to just go in her diaper. Years from now, I'm sure there will be a therapist involved.
6. Have you ever asked your two-year-old to watch the baby for you while you go do something? 'Nuff said.
7. Love one kid more than the other.
I perfectly understand that my toddler is more aware than my baby. I know that I should just set the baby down and take care of the toddler, but I just can't do it. Isis is getting a lot of daddy time, TV time, nanny time, but very little mommy time. Orion, on the other hand, is getting tons of mommy time. Not sure that Jeff even knows Orion is his. He never gets to even hold him.
8. Scare the crap out of your kids.
Jeff got these little stuffed monkeys that you throw across the room. The scream as they fly. Jeff has been using them to wake Isis up in the morning. We will be paying for lots of therapy in a few years.
9. Keep all the good toys for yourself.
Isis wants to play with what we play with, but we don't want to play with what Isis plays with. As a result, her toys get neglected and we fight over the cell phones.
10. Hire a nanny.
This is the ultimate in questionable parenting. We get to tell ourselves that someone is playing with and paying attention to our kids, so we get to revert to being kidless. How strange is that? Have kids and hand them over to someone else to raise. My understanding is that we are just a court order different from unwed mothers on crack.