One of the wonders of the world is a cheap massage in Thailand. I loved that I could get a massage for $9 and it was great. I was getting massages all the time. Then, I got one that scared me. I came out saying, "I think I just paid $9 to get assaulted."

I never learn.

I recently went to get a massage. I have found a massage person I'm devoted to. He wasn't available today. So, I went to someone else. When I showed up, I was disappointed. I like a deep massage. This girl looked like a timid, 14-year-old, pixie. She was tiny and hung back like someone painfully shy. I assumed any massage from her would feel like a tickle.  She told me to let her know if the pressure was too much and I nearly laughed.

Then, the massage started. Holy Nelly!!! That pixie was out of control. The massage was so deep I think she went completely through me occasionally. I have bruises. That is the first time I have had to ask someone to lighten up. She is truly the massage therapist for masochists.

She was totally no-nonsense too. I am frightened of this pixie. When she told me to do certain stretches at home, I found myself starting to do them right there. When she told me she wanted to work on me again in a week, I agreed. Now, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to go to her again and I'm afraid to call and tell her I won't come. She's probably able to reach through the phone and push my spine through my belly button.

I actually suspect that she was pushing herself against the wall to achieve that level of pressure, but I can't be sure. I don't think I'll underestimate the small massage therapists again. The one in Thailand and then this one. They're tiny...and terrifying. No, I'll stick with the chunky guy. He looks like he has the upper body strength to do some damage, but he hasn't bruised me yet.

The day was bright and beautiful.

My family great and small.

Conversation wise and wonderful.

I got to enjoy them all.

Days like these remind me...remind me of the world.

Remind me of magic carried in pockets.

And the wonder around every corner.

The snoring of the dogs.

The capers of the cats.

The giggling of the baby.

My daughter running laps.

She told me her sandwich was a blueberry.

He told me the clouds were planes.

His blue eyes exact as the sky.

All of these made me laugh today.

On a day I felt ready to cry.

And I go to sleep with a smile on my lips.

Dreaming of nothing but grinning loved ones...and maybe of pie.

Mmmm....blueberry pie.

I have got to quit holding pity parties for myself. No one comes anyway. I drive myself and all my friends crazy. I sit around the house and boo-hoo about how hard this all is and how I can't believe that this is my life and I'm not successful and blah blah blah. Then, I look around and see that while I was feeling sorry for myself, my kids and I played, I cleaned the house, I made food for the week, I did laundry, etc. What was the boo hoo for again?

I was talking to a friend on the phone and she said, "yeah, its hard, but marriage is hard too." Oh yeah. Duh. How can I keep forgetting this?

I think of myself as a wife still. Not just a mom, but a wife. And I casually forget that while doing all the work to take care of the house, kids, pets, and bills is tough, it is so much easier when I don't have to argue my way through all of it. It is so much easier when I know what to expect. And, it is all so much easier when I'm not walking through life trying to keep my chin up because of some hurtful thing that was just said to me.

I may whine, but when I talk to my friends and family, they say nice things and I feel better. Since I'm still doing the work I used to do, why am I whining so much?

I guess it comes down to loneliness. I haven't really had that before. Before I got married, I preferred to be alone. Now, I am almost never alone. Little kids never let you get far. But, somehow the idea, even if it was a mirage, that I have someone to talk to at the end of the day has become appealing. I told another friend that I find myself missing what I never had. She is also going through a divorce and said she knows just how I feel. Does that mean all of this is wrong, or right? And at this point, does it even matter?

In the end, I am finding wonderful friendships in places I didn't really expect them to be strong. And I am finding my kids to be wonderful company. On top of all of it, I am really enjoying my life. Yes, there is fear. The future is scary and the unknowns still in this divorce process are terrifying. But, my pity is misplaced. I have good friends, good food, amazing kids, a comfy home, and plans for the future. I'm happy. So, why do I keep thinking I'm not? 

Why is it that the minute you don't have a man around the house anymore, repairs crop up like weeds? Not that my husband was ever into repairs, but he was much better at justifying the cost of the repair. He loved to hire people to take care of things for us.

I, on the other hand, am a cheapskate. I hate to pay for things I can do myself. My parents are the same way. This is why you can find my father in his 70's and I out in the yard, fixing the gate and putting the chain on. I tried for a week to figure out how I was going to fix my main sprinkler valve myself until the cost/benefit analysis of how much water is leaking compared to the cost of having someone fix it drove me to call a professional. A cheap professional, mind you.

I've been fixing flooring and tacking things on the wall. I replaced the battery in the smoke detector which my husband was going to get around to for months. I put handles on the closet, a project my husband put off for about two years.

I'm a regular handywoman.

The amazing thing about women is that we can spend the morning using a hammer and wrench, repairing the sprinklers and putting up trim. And in the afternoon, we can do our hair, paint our nails, and be pretty. Along the way, we can play with the kids, make good food, and read a couple of fun books. By evening, we can be settled in with a cheesy romance novel and a cup of tea.

Being a woman is a pretty cool experience. I think I'll stick with it.

So, I was out with a friend last night and we were talking about the "Ex" diet. This is the best diet I have ever found. You take off weight like crazy and you keep it off. It works like this:

1. Find out your spouse or significant other is having an affair.

2. Try to make it work.

3. Fail.

Voila! Watch the pounds slip away. My friend lost 25 pounds and has kept it off. I have already lost 22 pounds. I look fantastic. Other than having to buy all new clothing, it is really easy. No special food or time-consuming exercise. No initial start-up costs or sign-up. No regular meetings.

Plus, you don't have to explain to people which celebrity is touting your diet because I think all of them are. The "Ex" diet is for everyone. No initial health screening. Try it today!