So, in conjunction with the Breastfeeding Cafe through the Le Leche League, I have agreed to blog about breastfeeding on the topics they give me daily for the next few weeks. So, look for those posts starting Monday. I'm kinda excited, but I'll try to pepper a few other things in so it is not non-stop breastfeeding all the time.

Divorces are just invitations to pettiness. I can't seem to help making petty comments to the effect of, "poor baby. Buck up and deal with it." He can't seem to help doing petty things like locking me out of the joint accounts that only I am paying on. (FYI- the only thing that accomplishes is making it more difficult for me to make the payments on time.)

Everybody acts like an idiot. People take sides and get vitriolic. The more unsteady take one side then the other. People try to look like they've cared all along or not cared all along. The reality is totally lost in the process.

The only truth in a divorce is momentary and fleeting. The only reality is how it all looks from the 20-year-later view. Everybody and everything looks better in the rear-view mirror.

The good news is that we're all resilient. I've never been a person to get mired in regret. I worry and fall apart at the moment of change and take it hard, but then I'm okay and life goes on. My life has been big and adventurous and this is just one more adventure. So many of my adventures have seemed a little horrible at the time. I remember thinking that the Inca trail could not possibly be THAT bad since millions of people hike it every year. Then, it about killed me. Now, I look back and think it was a great adventure.

I doubt that the kids and I will ever think that this whole process was a great adventure, but it is some kind of adventure and true to form, it has seemed to make us all stronger. I feel reborn and I love the changes. I seem to have a heightened awareness of beauty and potential adventures. It's amazing how much you view the world through your spouse's eyes even if you don't see them much or you don't get along. Seeing the world through my own eyes and through the kids' eyes when I can for these past few months has been incredible. I remember having this awareness before. Wow.

Sadly, I doubt the petty parties will ever stop completely. Like a friend from high school you don't see often, you always think of that person in high school. Jeff and I will probably be locked in a perpetual understanding of each other in a breakup. But, life moves on and if an occassional petty party is what it takes to get back to looking at life as a beautiful adventure, fine, send me an invite. (After all, I don't always have to show up to the party, right?)

The Girl Who Played with Fire (Vintage)

I read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo a while ago. I was a little worried I wouldn't remember the story. I didn't. It didn't matter.

This was a great book. Steig Larsson winds an interesting tale and really propels you through the plot. The dialogue is pretty decent and the characters are truly interesting. The job he has done of creating the Lisbeth Salander character is great. As readers, we feel like the only ones in the world who know this mysterious person and only because we get to look through her eyes. Its a great device. Take someone totally closed off and put your reader in that person's head. You still can't understand that person, but you get an inside view that is irresistable.

A friend of mine told me that this is the only book he has stayed up all night reading in years. His 12-year-old daughter piped in that she stays up all night reading often. Ha! Yeah, we know. At 12, we stayed up all night reading all the time too. At 25, I stayed up all night reading. But, somehow, with the birth of my kids in my 30's, I was instantly transformed into my grandmother. I now fall asleep sitting on the couch while telling a story. Very sad. I don't stay up all night for anything now except aching muscles and anxiety.

So, I didn't stay up all night to read the book, but I did read it every time I had the chance until I finished it. I might have stayed up all night if it weren't for two reservations and what keeps me from giving the book 5 stars. First, some of the plot was predictable. I really hate reading a book and waiting for the idiotic characters to catch on to things I figured out 100 pages ago. Worse, I hate it when the devices the author is using become obvious as a result. That didn't happen with The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, but it did happen here. I won't spoil the book for anyone by telling the thing I knew, but lets just say that I had figured out who the main bad guy was long before it was revealed.

The second problem I had with the book was the same problem I had with the first one. I DO NOT LIKE gratuitous, detailed violence against women. Now, I know that in today's cultural experience, this is an almost critical standard. I don't like gratuitous violence against men either, but I get particularly sick when it involves women. Yes, Quentin Tarantino and I do not get along. Anyway, there is enough gratuitous violence in the book. I'm not saying that I think I could write or read this book without it, but there you have it. I also really hate court room scenes in both television and books. So, gratuitous violence and court room scenes will affect my enjoyment. We all have our little quirks.

Other than that, I recommend the book. Maybe don't encourage your 12-year-old daughter to stay up all night with it. But, for a decent adult read, it is pretty good. I have the next one. Maybe I should wait until I forget how this one ends.

Oh yeah. I almost forgot. The ending is pretty darn unbelieveable. Especially if you have anything of a medical background. C'est la vie. Hopefully, the next book makes me forget about these issues. I seem to have this problem with second books in the series a lot. I like them less than the first.

The Sociopath Next Door

I have been reading a ton of random stuff lately. I picked this one up because I was doubtful. On the cover, it says that 1 in 25 Americans has no conscience. My thought was, "I seriously doubt that."

After reading the book, I still seriously doubt that assertion, but the book was great. The author does a great job. She has a couple of stated purposes. First, she looks at sociopathy and asks, "is this the better way?" After all, without a conscience, you don't have to worry about who you step on to get ahead and you don't have to feel bad about what you do. You can have amazing wealth and power without personal pain. Second, she addresses what to do if you know a sociopath and how to recognize one. A person without conscience doesn't have any obvious red flags. So, you may not have any idea you are dealing with one.

This all sounds like a bad guy/good guy book, but it isn't. This book isn't obvious or condemning. The saving grace is that question about the better way. The author thoughtfully addresses the question until the very last moment of the book.

SPOILER ALERT:

For the question of the better way, the author identifies a very interesting answer. She says that being a sociopath is really boring. Sociopaths are always bored with their lives. This may not seem to indicate a true answer. After all, a lot of wealth and fame for a little boredom? Why not?

The very end of the book addresses this. She talks about that human connection. The human connection that keeps the rest of us from being bored by filling us with the adrenaline of the interpersonal. The sociopath doesn't have that empathetic human connection. The author states,

Picture clearly the face of someone for whom you would run headlong into a burning building if this were required of you...Try to picture that same face....weeping in grief, or smiling in peace and joy.

And now imagine for a moment that you could look forever and feel absolutely nothing, no love, not desire to help or even to smile back.

The author goes on to say that the emotional hollowness is the boredom and the feelings that keep us so alive and vibrant come from our conscience and connection to others. The ability to feel life in the laugh of our kids or connect to the divine in the smile of our lovers comes from that connection. And she's right, suddenly all the wealth and power wouldn't be worth it.

As for protecting yourself, there's not a great answer here. She gives some suggestions. Some are more satisfying than others, but she mentions something in chapter 8 she calls "the Rule of Threes."

One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior.

Basically, she says that you should treat three lies or broken promises the way you would foam on a dog's mouth. Get away. Yeah, the dog may be chewing on soap, but it's more likely rabid.

It was an interesting book, but a little scary. After all, since sociopaths are so hard to spot, you wouldn't know you are dealing with one until you are already being hurt by them. This is bad news if you really want to avoid one. On the other hand, I have serious concerns about her 1 in 25 assertion and so I suspect that we are all a little safer from dealing with them than the author would have us believe.

Sometimes, it seems like there is nothing positive happening in life. There are times when we feel like we just can't win. Some days, I would like to put the pillow over my head and just stay there.

But, the truth is that there are positives. Sometimes I have to look at my kids to see the positives, but sometimes, just sometimes, I realize that all of this pain and yuck has actually given me some amazing realizations. That silly saying about everything that doesn't kill you making you stronger has some actual validity. While some of the realizations are really painful (it's hard after your partner had an affair and left you to realize that you did a lot of things wrong and a lot of things were really your fault), but some of the realizations are actually just empowering.

1. I can love and not blindly follow or obey.

2. Forgiving doesn't mean that I leave myself open to the same hurts again. It means I can focus on what I need to.

3. Making sure that I have worked on my issues, doesn't mean anything about the other person, it just means I will be able to live well in the future with myself and my family.

4. I look so much better when I return to seeing myself in the mirror through my own eyes.

Some days are just better than others.

A few years ago, I was in Peru. I loved Peru and I still bore my friends with stories about Peru. It was my first experience with the third world. It was my first experience with a lot of things.

As a travel companion, I am really annoying. I am the person who ditches out on the prearranged tours. I make friends on buses and try to get my companions to just go stay with people we don’t know. I’m the person who gets really lost and has to be found. I drive people who travel with me nuts, but we certainly have adventures.

My first night in Peru was one such adventure. We had booked a tour for part of the trip. Only part. I wanted to just “do my own thing” for the rest of the trip. This turned out to be ill-advised, but worked out really well. The trip, however, started with a tour. This meant that the first night, we were outside of a pretty poor town in a really nice resort with walls, razor wire, and armed guards. This was clearly meant to keep THEM out because it didn’t keep US in.

The whole resort thing felt really bizarre to me. Mind you, I like a nice resort. But, there is something unseemly about being in a resort with high security to keep it nice. Frankly, the people on the outside of the resort seemed a lot more like what I had come to Peru to visit than the people on the inside. Plus, I was more interested in the local Pisco (drink) I had heard about than I was one more walk on the beach. I decided to make a break for it.

I talked to my travel companion. He was less than interested. Fine by me. I headed toward the exit. I suppose his valor got the best of him. He tagged along. As we passed the guard, he gave us some sort of warning I don’t remember.

By golly, I wanted a drink. I walked with my companion into the local town. There wasn’t much to see. Some dirt. Some people. Some run-down buildings. Other than that, not much.

So, I asked some random guy on the street where I go to get a drink. He had a run-down car and opened the door for us and motioned us to get in. Now, this is the point where my travel companions and I always are at odds. I jumped right into the car. My travel companion, on the other hand, had a fit.

“What in the Hell are you doing?!?!”

“I want a drink. This guy seems to know where we can get one.”

“Or he could kill us. Or kidnap us for ransom and then kill us. Or torture us. Or…who knows!”

“Geez. It’s just a drink. He seems nice.”

At this point, our new buddy points at himself and says, “yes. Nice. Very nice. You want drink?”

So, my travel companion gets into the car. “You know, you are totally insane and if you get us killed, I’ll never forgive you.”

I get told that I am crazy a surprising amount. I’m a little worried there might be some truth to it.

So, the guy starts to drive. There isn’t much common language, so we can’t really ask the guy much about where we are going. This is all about trust and adventure. And worry.

You see, the guy drives right out of town. He keeps going. We pass the last gas station. We pass the outlying farm. Things are not looking so good for our heroes. Then, he turns….

Onto a dirt road behind a little shed.  He heads down this dirt road. We drive through a hole in the road that we literally have to drive down into and up out the other side. The car strains to get out. Dogs are chasing the car and barking. At this point, I turn to my companion.

“You know, you might have been right about the getting killed thing.”

He just glared at me.

I will never forget what I said next and I really see a lot of my philosophy in this one statement, “Well, it’s been a good life.”

Finally, the driver pulls the car up to this squat little house. He jumps out and motions us to follow. My companion now wants to stay in the car. I’m already getting out and he is grabbing my clothes to keep me in.

“Hey, we’ve come this far. Let’s see it through.”

(You are probably now starting to see why no one ever travels with me more than once.)

So, we get out of the car and follow the driver into the cellar of the house by way of some rickety wooden steps.

And….hey, there was a bar there. It’s small and they clearly make their own, but it’s fairly clean and they definitely were ready to serve us a drink.

There was a woman behind the bar and a man who came in and out a lot. We stayed for a while and sometimes we were the only patrons and sometimes we weren’t. The owners gave our driver a sandwich for bringing us.

I got my Pisco Sour. The drink is a little disturbing. It is frothy and involves an egg. Frankly, I recommend it only if you can avoid watching someone make it. I also got a tour and a long explanation of how the Pisco is made. The explanation process was fascinating because of the language barrier. Have someone explain fermentation to you in a language you don’t understand and you will see what I mean, but after a while, we caught on.

We stayed and had a good time. We made friends with everyone who came and went. We got a bit tipsy. Then, we had the guy from town drive us back to the resort. And he did. No kidnapping. No killing. Just a nice drink and some new friends.

The next day, the guy with the car was hanging around outside the resort. I saw him and went outside again. We said hello and he said something to me I totally didn’t understand and motioned to the car. I turned to my travel companion.

“Well, it sounds interesting. Want to find out?”

He sighed one of those weight-of-the-world sighs, but said, “why not.”

Huge oasis resorts and sand dunes you snowboard down are pretty cool too.